Website design By BotEap.comA song written by R.Beresford and H.Sanders and sung by the living legend of country music, george jonesentitled, If drinking don’t kill me (your memory will)has a very different meaning to me today.

Website design By BotEap.comIn my case, this song was left wide open to interpret the meaning in any way the listener wanted. In george jones case, it was rumored that he lived the song in full color. If his drink wouldn’t kill him, the memory that would kill him would be in reference to his wife, at the time, the deceased, great First Lady of Country Music, Tammy Wynette. The song was most likely intended to represent the painful and self-destructive ways a broken relationship or divorce can have on a person unable to handle the disappointment of a failed relationship.

Website design By BotEap.comOn a more serious note, my rendition of this song packs a deadlier punch than divorce. It means eternal pain for the permanent loss of my soul mate, my spouse, my wife and my once very happy life.

Website design By BotEap.comLet me share with you the lyrics of this song, to better understand my story:

Website design By BotEap.comIf drinking don’t kill me (your memory will)

Website design By BotEap.comThe bars are all closed.

Website design By BotEap.comit’s four in the morning

Website design By BotEap.comMust have shut them all down

Website design By BotEap.comFor the way that I am

Website design By BotEap.comI put my head on the wheel

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Website design By BotEap.comthe whole neighborhood knows

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Website design By BotEap.comChorus:

Website design By BotEap.comAnd if drinking don’t kill me

Website design By BotEap.comYour memory will be

Website design By BotEap.comI can’t take much more

Website design By BotEap.comthe way i feel

Website design By BotEap.comwith the blood of my body

Website design By BotEap.comI could start my own yet

Website design By BotEap.comAnd if drinking don’t kill me

Website design By BotEap.comYour memory will be

Website design By BotEap.comThese old bones move slow

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Website design By BotEap.comAs I stumble to the ground

Website design By BotEap.comand land lightly

Website design By BotEap.comSir, it’s been ten bottles

Website design By BotEap.comSince I tried to forget her

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Website design By BotEap.comLying here on the ground

Website design By BotEap.comChorus:

Website design By BotEap.comAnd if drinking don’t kill me

Website design By BotEap.comYour memory will be

Website design By BotEap.comI can’t take much more

Website design By BotEap.comthe way i feel

Website design By BotEap.comwith the blood of my body

Website design By BotEap.comI could start my own yet

Website design By BotEap.comBut if drinking doesn’t kill me

Website design By BotEap.comYour memory will be…

Website design By BotEap.comTHE END

Website design By BotEap.comIt has been almost six years, since the horrible disease of cancer claimed the life of my dear wife, bobby. He beat her so badly that she could no longer think clearly and had no control over some of her bodily functions. She fought the relentless demon to the end. But like some evil crusades, sometimes they win.

Website design By BotEap.comHe had always been a beer drinker. I am not in denial of that. I am an alcoholic. However, my disease was practically in remission, thanks to my wife, bobby. She hated people who drank irresponsibly. And with her attitude and beliefs, I tried not to let her down. Throughout our marriage, I failed many times, but for the most part, my drinking was under control.

Website design By BotEap.comI didn’t like to drink at home, so I drank in bars and lounges. That meant I would have to drive or have a convenient designated driver with me at all times. This was not a practical thought. Being an alcoholic, who plans to practice? He really wasn’t a regular boss anywhere. I was an irregular boss who needed to jump from one establishment to another. I would get bored drinking in one place. This is what would get me in trouble with the law: drinking and driving.

Website design By BotEap.comAfter bobby He passed away in 2001, I was a lost soul. I was in pain and I didn’t want to feel this kind of grief pain. He was alone now, and he hated it. Without bobby, wanted to die. My drinking came out in full force again. This groundhog saw her shadow. And it meant more than six weeks of winter. It meant two and a half years of pure hell: drinking. I was able to keep my job by some capricious miracle, or perhaps bobby He was my guiding angel. I do believe in angels. I was a mess. My self esteem didn’t really matter anymore. He would drink one day and be very sick for four. This is where my progression from alcoholism led me. I would be seriously ill in bed every weekend after a folder. I wouldn’t answer the phone or the doorbell, even if it rang.

Website design By BotEap.comI fell off the bottom. Bottoms out. I was cited for a DUI So I drank more. I didn’t stop drinking until two and a half months later. by believing in God , my higher power, I gave up my weakness. I sobered up. I complied with the penalties and obligations imposed on me by law and carried out my sobriety plan for life. For once in my life, I got the gorilla off me. And what a weight I had carried on me. I’ve been sober ever since.

Website design By BotEap.comAs george jones, I stopped drinking before he left me. Aim bobbie’s the memory lives on. Like the song, it may be the memory of it that kills me. i pray to God it won’t be the drink that will kill me. If my life ends sober, I would rather die sober and have bobbie’s memory makes me enter

Website design By BotEap.comWanna bobbie’s memory to live, but not necessarily kill me. If that means living in pain, so be it. God knows… I miss her terribly. I have wonderful and happy memories. Memories can’t really kill you if you live your life sober. Sobriety is a safe harbor. Memories can somehow keep you from living if you don’t move on with your life.

Website design By BotEap.comIf someone says that life gets easier with time after the death of a loved one, it hasn’t really happened to them. I mean it’s not necessarily true. Everyone grieves differently. Human nature tells us to comfort the afflicted. So what else can be said other than “give it time, time will heal your pain”.

Website design By BotEap.comI guess it’s true that I feed my pain. bobby It is a constant presence in my life. I hear another cliché used often, “you have to get on with your life.” What if I don’t want to go ahead? My front yard has a memorial garden in loving memory of my wife. My computer screen has bobbie’s photo there. I created a website in honor of bobby and for the benefit of cancer research. I put music that bobby appreciated. I look at photos and read the cards and letters we have given to each other. I surround myself with bobbie’s memories. Will I ever stop reliving his memory? Probably never. Will I ever move on? Now that, I don’t know. I tried to be in a relationship with a girlfriend who moved in with me two years later bobby transmitted. It didn’t work. There were many reasons why it was not a successful courtship. She would rather not go there.

Website design By BotEap.comI know in my heart that bobby I wouldn’t want to see myself this way. He would like to see me happy and move on. I remember she told me many times after my mom and aunt passed away that she shouldn’t make a shrine out of her memories. At the time, I thought that she was being cold when she said that. But she was right, she was probably building a shrine to preserve her memories. I didn’t see anything wrong with that.

Website design By BotEap.comThe pain of memories eases with time, if you will. The only time the pain eases is when I write my feelings down in a story. It is the best therapy for me that I have discovered. I guess that means if I keep writing stories about my memories and feelings for Bobbie, I’ll be fine. So I guess if the drink doesn’t kill me, her memory will. And I’m saying this in a positive way. Thank you, Jorgefor singing that song.