Website design By BotEap.comAs I got older (and bigger) I came to one conclusion: fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer approaches, I get anxious about wearing my shorts (let alone swimsuit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!

Website design By BotEap.comStep One: Call ahead to make an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is least busy (as if no one knows the tan is fake).

Website design By BotEap.comStep Two: The “Tanning Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not to use any lotions or makeup.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Three: Decide to shower right before your date. Exfoliate.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Four: Get out of the tub.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Five: Realize that you have a lot of HAIR (below and around the places to be spray tanned) and get back in the tub.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Six: Shave the places you can’t see. He is impressed with my ability to stretch and fold like a pretzel. I wonder if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love”.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Seven: I wonder if what my two-year-old just witnessed will mark her for life.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Eight: Go sans lotion or makeup to the tanning salon (resist the urge to itch immediately after shaving and feel a new “hairless butt.”)

Website design By BotEap.comStep Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable as I undress down to my thong. Feel good about the decision to shave (places below).

Website design By BotEap.comStep Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” as the actual act of spraying another naked person is quite uncomfortable.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Twelve: Clap your hands silently inside while she doesn’t ask me to “bend down” to spray the actual butt crack (white tan line doesn’t bother me!).

Website design By BotEap.comStep Thirteen: I wonder if the “Tanning Technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my butt are a real map.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Fourteen – Pretend you don’t notice that she has to go over your buttocks about 5 times (while all other areas did it once).

Website design By BotEap.comStep Fifteen – Pretend it’s not uncomfortable as you pull your legs up to make sure there are no “bikini line” tan lines.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Sixteen: Let things dry. Grab the board the minute it dries and dance in the mirror with your shower cap on after the tanning lady leaves the room.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Seventeen – Get out of the tanning room and pretend that me and that tanning girl are probably married in some countries (considering the things she’s seen!)

Website design By BotEap.comStep Eighteen: Put back all the tanning solutions on the shelves that my two year old has removed.

Website design By BotEap.comStep Nineteen: Remove the “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).

Website design By BotEap.comStep Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again, “Yes, even fat women look better tanned!”

Website design By BotEap.comStep twenty-one: Look fabulous with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!

Website design By BotEap.comStep Twenty-Two: Tell everyone about the experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things I had to go through!