Website design By BotEap.comI recently heard from a wife who was desperately trying to save her marriage. Last year, on a business trip, she had cheated on her husband with a co-worker. She felt horribly guilty and devastated afterwards. She swore that this would be something unique and that she would never hurt her husband by telling her about it. Unfortunately, she fell into the same pattern on the next business trip, so what she hoped would be a one-off turned into a short-term relationship. The wife always knew that the relationship was going nowhere. She didn’t even like the coworker very much, nor did she have any deep or serious romantic feelings for him. But, as she explained, when she traveled on business, she suddenly felt free of all her responsibilities at home and then all her determination went out the window.

Website design By BotEap.comHowever, when she was home for a while and didn’t travel, the gravity of what she did hit her. She knew that she had to come clean and tell her husband the truth. She felt that she owed him this and she knew that she needed to have an open and honest marriage. She was hoping that coming forward and admitting the truth would help her cause with her husband. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Her husband was devastated, furious and abrupt. As soon as he found out about the affair, he told the wife it was a deal breaker, he left her house and filed divorce papers shortly thereafter.

Website design By BotEap.comThe wife was devastated, but she knew this was mostly her fault. She wondered if she should have kept the whole thing a secret. She would still have her marriage and her husband. They were both very unhappy now and their lives were ruined. The wife told me, “I would do anything to get him back. This has made me realize how much I love him and how much I don’t want to live without him. Is there any way I can get him back? He won’t answer my calls. He blocks my texts. Basically, he wants nothing to do with me and I can’t blame him. But if he gave me one more chance, I’d be the wife he deserves. What can I do?

Website design By BotEap.comUnfortunately, the wife was now experiencing what many people who cheat (even short-term) come to know: that infidelity is something you can never get back. This does not mean that your relationship is over or that your loved one will never come back to you. But it can mean that you may need to have a lot of patience, sincerity, and a workable plan. I have seen many wives in your situation get their husbands back eventually. And many of them have some similarities in the way they handle this situation, which I’ll talk more about in the next article.

Website design By BotEap.comYou must not push or rush your husband. He must decide to come back to you on her account: The more the husband resisted this wife, the more she pushed toward him. His removal from her made her feel more desperate and hopeless all the time. These features were not attractive to the husband. He felt that her remorse and her sudden attention were “happening too little too late.” The wife couldn’t seem to stop herself and she kept saying “but I want him to know how sorry I am and that I love him and want another chance”.

Website design By BotEap.comThe truth is that the husband already knew all these things because the wife had not stopped saying them since she told him about the adventure. But what she had to understand was that the husband needed time to process what had happened and how he felt about it. He could not quickly accept it due to the fact that the wife wanted this to happen. She needed to wonder how she would respond if he was the one who cheated on her. She told me, “She would be devastated, but I think she would stand by it and work it out. I wouldn’t just walk away.”

Website design By BotEap.comWhile you thought the wife was upfront about it, it’s really impossible to know how she’ll respond until you’re actually in the situation. Everyone is different, but learning that the person you love most and trust most in the world has betrayed you can result in the worst kind of pain imaginable. It is very normal and understandable that this news leaves you stunned and that you need some time alone to work things out.

Website design By BotEap.comThe best strategy you can take if you want to get your husband back after he cheated on you is gradual: The first thing I advised the wife was to tone down her despair. It wasn’t fair that she tried to blame or pressure her husband. She deserved the time she might need and no one could blame him for feeling this way. I suggested that the next time the wife approached her, she try a different tact.

Website design By BotEap.comInstead of the usual way you made desperate promises and pleas for commitment, you might consider offering patience and support instead. Next time, she might want to say something like, “You have every right to have doubts and resentment. I don’t blame you in the slightest. This was entirely my fault and I am entirely responsible. One day, if you decide to allow it, I too would be more than willing to be responsible for fixing the situation that only I created. I won’t push you. I just want you to be happy again one day. It was in no way your fault or not. You deserve any of this. But, I don’t want you to know that in no way does this alter how I feel about you or our marriage. But where we go from here is not up to me. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I would be more than willing to go to therapy or just step back and allow yourself have some time. Whatever you need from me, all you have to do is ask me.”

Website design By BotEap.comThis strategy is much better in many ways. It comes from a place of love and patience rather than a place of pressure and despair and shows that you have their best interest at heart. Often the husband will begin to wonder why you are taking back, and may become a little more receptive as a result. At this point, she must allow him to take the initiative and indicate how she wants to proceed. In the meantime, you can conduct yourself with dignity, grace, and respect. And always remember that her husband knows that people can and will say anything when the stakes are so high. Therefore, they will often watch and wait over time. In the long run, it is actions and not words that matter.

Website design By BotEap.comI can honestly tell you that when my husband was cheating on me, there were days when I was certain that a divorce was imminent. In my opinion, this was a deal breaker for me and just watching it turned my stomach. But over a gradual period of time, he endured patiently and kindly. He didn’t rush me. He wanted to help me. Over time, I came to learn that he was sincere and that he was truly sorry. This was not possible at first, but in the months that followed, my feelings changed.

Website design By BotEap.comSometimes you have to let time work for you and not against you and you have to show your spouse that you will give them what they need from you when they need it. Beyond this, the rest is really up to them, but their actions can greatly influence their decisions.