Website design By BotEap.comAs I prepare for a college class presentation on the biological effects of psychoactive drugs, my girlfriend sneaks up behind me and asks “what happens when you love someone who is fighting this disease?” I kept thinking about several of my past relationships where the addiction, although in the maintenance stage, was difficult and emotionally draining.

Website design By BotEap.comIt is not easy to love an addict. Fortunately, I have never had to experience the pain of loving an active addict, but sharing a life with a recovering addict is no small journey. Fears from your past and habits developed during your period of use are often far from cured. The journey is even more painful in a lesbian relationship as support systems are few and the understanding of the disease of addiction in the lesbian community is not really understood or acknowledged in its severity.

Website design By BotEap.comI was often used as a human emotional punching bag for a story I didn’t know but was supposed to understand and accept. I constantly felt like I had to make adjustments and accommodations for a person who was selfishly set in their ways and unwilling to give in, because at the end of the day, addiction, whether in the active or recovery stage, is still a battle. to control

Website design By BotEap.comI have sat in hundreds of recovery groups, listening to recovering addicts describe their relationships and their list of needs, believing that their only adjustment in a relationship was to stay clean. To be fair, when you’re fighting this inner demon of addiction, staying clean one day at a time is the most you can do. It’s like a carefully constructed house of cards, any sudden change or stress and the person slides uncontrollably back into old habits.

Website design By BotEap.comEarly in my career in Hawaii, a wonderful client once told me a story often heard in rooms (AA or NA meetings). He said, “Do you know why us guys always hurt people, especially the ones we love? Because it’s our nature.”

Website design By BotEap.comI looked at him a bit overwhelmed by what he said, so he continued: “There was a scorpion that needed to cross a river, but he knew he would drown, so he asks the frog to get on his back and make him swim.” to the other side. The frog refused and told the scorpion that it was going to sting it. The scorpion promised that he wouldn’t, so the frog took him. When they reached the other side, the scorpion stung the frog. The frog asked before. he died because he stung him after she helped him. The scorpion responded because it is the nature of it.”

Website design By BotEap.comI only had one rule with my past relationships: if they relapsed, the relationship would end. There was no room to negotiate this condition, and the limit of what was tolerable within the relationship was set. He had to protect me and my son, and he wasn’t risking our well-being. That being said, living with a recovering addict was often challenging and without the tools I have today was nearly impossible.

Website design By BotEap.comIt always amazes me how much we will tolerate for the sake of hope and faith in someone. We will endure pain and heartache for someone we love, almost to our own emotional death. Energized by the power of “she can change. I can help her change.” People with addiction are often attracted to people with codependency issues. The reason is that two needs are being met, the caretaker (codependent) has someone to care for/someone to fix (the addict) and the addict has an enabler (codependent) that will allow her behaviors to continue. with little limits. However, for a relationship to work, both people need to want the same things, and certain issues may need to be addressed and fixed, such as:

• Fear of missing out: there is a belief that we have few options, so we sabotage our relationship.
• Being discovered as a fraud: We worry that our partners won’t love us if they really know who we are.
• Fear of abandonment: we will lie and change to adapt to the needs of another person to avoid being left.
• Difficult bonding, especially if the person did not experience a healthy attachment as a child.
• Fear of being vulnerable: If I show you who I am, that must mean that you control me.
• Anger: another form of sabotage and control.
• Guilt and shame: the feelings that prevent us from choosing.
• Depression: We experience this feeling when we want to and we know that we cannot change the past.
• Lack of confidence- I’m not going to give it to you because you will hurt me.
• Poor Boundaries – Without trust and healthy communication, this is hard to establish.
• High expectations: I’ve had to be perfect (unrealistic expectation in childhood) now I don’t know what a realistic expectation is, but it gives me the excuse not to trust you.
• Control: need I say more?
• Need for Constant Validation – I don’t want you to abandon me and expectations are high with low trust so the only way I can make sure you need me is how much you validate me… so do it all the time.

Website design By BotEap.comThese issues must be resolved to provide the right ingredients for a fruitful relationship. Remember, knowledge is the power to understand these issues, which can help guide you to affect change. Being able to see these issues makes it easier to create options for a healthier relationship. The decision is always yours.

Website design By BotEap.comAlex Karydi ~ The lesbian guru