Website design By BotEap.comDifficulties faced by teachers  

Website design By BotEap.comIn addition to the obvious challenges of classroom management, curriculum development, and ever-increasing mountains of paperwork, teachers often face the difficulty of having to work with a parent who doesn’t want to work with them.

Website design By BotEap.comWhile many parents are helpful, cooperative, and responsive, there are some who can be extremely challenging, particularly when your contact with them reaches the end of the day and you’re both already tired. These parents may yell, accuse, criticize, act belligerent, cocky, defensive, or otherwise cut off contact altogether. Understandably, many teachers are left baffled, hurt, and angry by this behavior. Some take it personally and wonder what they have done. Others may write it off and in doing so neglect that relationship altogether, which, in the long run, helps no one at all.

Website design By BotEap.comWhy parents respond the way they do  

Website design By BotEap.comIt may not make the behavior more pleasant, but it can help teachers engage with these parents by understanding that parents sometimes come to the classroom with notions that predispose them to be defensive or difficult. They may be expecting a negative experience for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

Website design By BotEap.comPerhaps their childhood was tough or academic studies were particularly taxing or punishing for them. Perhaps as adults it is their chance to finally rise up and draw the line in the sand, even when it no longer needs to be drawn. Many adults cover up their own insecurities by acting fierce or uncaring. If a parent has had a negative experience with school or is embarrassed about his own level of education, he may take issue with his child’s teachers.

Website design By BotEap.comIn general, people do not consciously choose aggressive or dysfunctional behaviors. They learn them, and they usually come from environments where the behavior was necessary, adaptable, and helped them survive in some way. This is not an excuse for it, simply an explanation. And when we understand what moves people, we can help them better.

Website design By BotEap.comCommon pitfalls and dangers  

Website design By BotEap.comFight fire with fire:

Website design By BotEap.comWhen we respond to anger and frustration with more of the same, we perpetuate and increase the problem. If a parent needs to vent his suspicions, criticism, and confusion, let him. Unless he knows he’s made a mistake and is hiding it, it’s definitely not personal. A parent who is angry about his son’s difficulties in class was surely angry before he entered his classroom. A father who expresses impotence and makes you feel responsible was surely doing it in other places as well. He views the person and the problem he has before you with detached compassion. If, in fact, he made an honest mistake or there are things he doesn’t know and understand about his student, it’s his job to say so and let parents know how he’s working on it. Obtain the alliance of the parents. He or she knows the child better than most others. Let parents know what an important and valuable resource he or she is.

Website design By BotEap.comTaking the short view:

Website design By BotEap.comWhen you only see what’s in front of you and forget where you want to go professionally with your students, you start lecturing instead of listening, acting before evaluating, and getting to the point instead of taking the time to build rapport. She meets the father sitting across from you. It is true that your time is limited. But if you require more than one visit or need to enlist the help of your school social worker to conduct home visits to make it more convenient for parents, go ahead. Of course, some people are very comfortable with home visits and others are not. Unless there is a serious reason for a more assertive stance, don’t force it. Offer it as a service and not as a research tool.

Website design By BotEap.comTalk lowly:

Website design By BotEap.comNo teacher has the deliberate intention of bad-mouthing a parent. But when he’s rushed, tired, overworked, or used to acting in “teacher mode” all day, it can easily happen if he’s not paying attention. Nobody, including teachers, wants to be lectured or judged.

Website design By BotEap.cominstinctive judgement:

Website design By BotEap.comEveryone but everyone makes assumptions. It is the way in which human beings engage socially in a complex and fast-moving culture. We make decisions based on how someone dresses, walks, talks or smells. Some of these assumptions may turn out to be true, others false. We judge people based on limited information even though we know it to be less than accurate and far less than helpful in many cases. It can be a rumour, a person’s introduction, or a difference in social status or culture.

Website design By BotEap.comWe need to be acutely aware of this trend in ourselves and be ready for new information that can change the course of a parent-teacher conference and, in turn, the course of a child’s academic career.

Website design By BotEap.comPractical tips to avoid common mistakes  

Website design By BotEap.com1. Establish your position early: Let parents know you’re a partner. Send a card, chat, make a call. Express your enthusiasm for working with the child. Make it clear that while you are the expert on education, the parent is the expert on their child and welcomes and even needs their input.

Website design By BotEap.com2. Switch gears: Take a deep breath and take a breather from the rest of the school day. Working with a parent is a peer process. Do a little self-control of your attitude and inner tone: Did you have a difficult day? Upset about something at home? About something to do with the father? Can you create a calm and cozy feeling? Sometimes a trusted colleague can be very helpful for a reality check.

Website design By BotEap.com3. Deal with defensiveness: If a parent comes across as angry and you respond to the anger, you can be sure it will escalate. Even if you feel attacked, you don’t have to attack back. Assume it’s not you causing the reaction but “school,” parenting frustrations, anxiety, past experiences. If the parent is really mad at YOU, keep eye contact, listen until he is finished and try to understand what is motivating him and if there is in fact something he can fix.

Website design By BotEap.com4. Listen and empathize: By separating, it is easier to listen calmly and emphatically. When we do, it’s amazing how people suddenly soften and calm down. Listening carefully is also the smartest and easiest way to discover the real issues and not be fooled by what is presented.

Website design By BotEap.com5. Keep an Open Mind – Drop any assumptions. The truth is that for the most part we don’t know the full story. We get bits and pieces from many different sources, many of whom also get it second or third hand. Preconceived ideas, like outright biases, can get in the way of a productive relationship.

Website design By BotEap.com6. Assume the best: At least until proven otherwise. Clearly, if you need to respond to a dangerous or seriously negative situation, it is your legal and moral responsibility to do so. Until then, however, assume that a parent wants the best for their child, even if they aren’t sure what that is themselves, and actively seek a way to connect, educate, and collaborate.

Website design By BotEap.com7. Take time and make time for yourself: That means on both fronts: professional and personal. Give yourself enough time to comfortably meet with one of your parents, if possible. And take the time you need to relax with your colleagues, your spouse, or by yourself. If you’re terribly stressed, take a break. Give what you give to others.

Website design By BotEap.comv. Judith Acosta, 2009. All rights reserved.