Website design By BotEap.comLast week I attended the funeral of a beautiful 30 year old girl who died suddenly in her sleep. As I sat in church watching her friends, family, and neighbors quietly filter through the doors, I looked around at her sorrowful faces and was overwhelmed by a powerful feeling of unity in the crowd. Although there were hundreds of dark-robed people on the benches, hardly a word was spoken. People smiled amiably at each other, touched arms or backs, and waited patiently as they settled into their seats. No one expressed impatience at having to wait. Nobody complained. No one raised their eyebrows or voice. The pain had brought them together and they were all kind to strangers.

Website design By BotEap.comMothers and fathers tightly held the hands of their daughters and sons as they looked at them tenderly. You could almost hear them thinking “It could have been you.” Couples sat together and older people hugged. There is nothing like a tragedy to bring out the best in people and I felt my heart warm as tenderness flowed through the church, embracing everyone with its tender touch.

Website design By BotEap.comIt reminded me of many times when I had felt this way. September 11 – when the world came together to embrace this country and offer love and condolences for the tragedy. Hurricane Katrina, where people came together to give as much as they could to strangers who had lost everything. And, for me, my own personal tragedies when I lost my sister 17 years ago and my husband almost ten years ago and I too felt the soft touch of shared grief. When bad things happen, everyone wants to help. Each one offers what he can give. But people are often uncomfortable with death and confused about what is the right thing to do. While the intention is good and supportive, there are also ways that people react that don’t work and only serve to create a more difficult situation.

Website design By BotEap.comBased on my own experiences, my main advice is to be gentle and considerate. Do not offer advice or make suggestions about what to do. The worst advice I’ve ever heard is “stay busy” or “keep your mind busy.” When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s constantly on your mind, from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep at night, and everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. My therapy consisted of immersing myself in my grievance: writing, reading, walking, driving, crying, remembering. The feelings are always there, and even if you “keep busy,” they come out at a later time. For me, it was much better to deal with my feelings in the moment than to postpone the inevitable. Also, I felt like I was honoring my loved one by thinking of him and making him sad at the time.

Website design By BotEap.comAfter my sister’s death, my mother told me about meeting people on the street who wouldn’t even recognize him for fear of “reminding” them. As she told me, it was not possible for her to forget even for a moment and it would have been impossible to “remind” her of something that was part of her being. Far better, she advised her, to utter a word of regret or even say “I don’t know what to say” than to ignore it altogether. One of the moments that will always live in my heart is when I drove to a friend’s house after learning of the death of my sister. Val opened her arms, hugged me and cried with me. There were no words. And her gesture meant more to me than anything she could have said.

Website design By BotEap.comAnd, after my husband died, the people who said “This is so unfair” and “How can this be?” meant much more than those who said “God works in mysterious ways” or “He is in a better place”. Even a minister at a church I had attended said, “What a rollercoaster you’ve been on,” which I felt was terribly inappropriate and I never went back to his church.

Website design By BotEap.comHaving experienced death several times, as well as being with people who have lost loved ones, I would like to share some of my own suggestions on how to deal with the situation when it happens around you.

Website design By BotEap.com• Talk about the person who has died. When someone dies, the family usually prefers to talk about their loved one rather than ignore them. Ask about her daughter/mother/husband. Share stories about them if you have them. Make reference to them in conversations.
• Don’t talk about trivial things unless they do it first. When my husband died, I just wanted to talk about the important things: life after death, service arrangements, memories of his life… When a friend and his wife flew into town and insisted on taking me out to lunch and strolling through the shops, I remember being numb and amazed at his insensitivity to wanting to do any activity.
• Do little things to help. Offer to pick up the family at the airport if they’re flying in for a service, go to their house and arrange sympathy flowers, put gas in their car, arrange flowers, drop off meals, offer your spare room to guests, provide a shoulder when needed.
• Don’t talk to them about your circumstances or the circumstances of those around you. Comments like “I remember when my aunt died” or “I know how you feel” are not comforting. Make it comfortable for them to talk and cry.
• Be kind and considerate. At a recent funeral for a girl, one of the family friends commented, “At least they still have the other kids.” It’s not an appropriate comment and it’s certainly not designed to comfort.
• Get in touch. Make a phone call, send a card, deliver flowers. Every little thing counts and is remembered forever.
• Never start a sentence with “At least…”…”At least she lived a long life”…”At least she went quickly”…”At least now they are at peace.” None of this matters. He just wants his loved one back, no matter the circumstances.
• Do not offer religious advice. Even a devout person may turn against religion when he loses someone he loves and it may not be comforting to tell him that he is “in a better place.” Follow his example. Likewise, don’t ignore anything he may be feeling or seeing during this time. I found great comfort in reading books about life after death and even started writing a book and interviewed leaders of various religions to hear their thoughts on life after death.
• Don’t watch them as if they are about to fall apart. Our friends who lost their daughter said that they constantly felt that people were looking at them as if something visible was happening in front of their eyes, instead of seeing them as the same people they had always been.
• Include them in your invitations. Contact them and they’ll get back to you when they’re ready. Too often, when a tragedy or death occurs, people feel it is best to “leave them alone” and refuse to invite them as they have in the past. Life goes on and it is better to continue reaching out and being rejected than to forget them and leave them to grieve alone.

Website design By BotEap.comAnd, above all, remember that there is no deadline for filing complaints. It could take a month, a year or a lifetime to heal and it’s important to keep coming and being there.