Website design By BotEap.comI sometimes hear from wives that they hoped they were “done” with their husband’s affair. I often hear things like, “It’s been years since his affair and I’m still angry and hurt. I still can’t let go. What’s wrong with me? Can I ever get over this?”

Website design By BotEap.comThese frustrations are very common. Wives often get stuck in a cycle where they want and even hope to feel better or “get over it” but, for whatever reason, just can’t. However, being stuck right now doesn’t automatically get you a life sentence for more of the same. You certainly deserve better. There are a few ways wives can move on. Often this means figuring out exactly why you’re stuck, and then addressing those causes very directly. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Website design By BotEap.comWorrying that your husband isn’t truly sorry about the affair is a common reason for being stuck: Like I said, I often see common themes or problems in wives who have not been able to move on. A very common one is feeling that your husband is not sufficiently sorry or sorry for the affair. I often hear wives say things like, “Sure, he’s sorry I caught him having an affair, but there’s no remorse for what he did. It’s almost like he blames me and thinks his actions were justified.”

Website design By BotEap.comHowever, I have to tell you that many times if you talk to the husband on the other side of this equation, you will get a completely different representation of the truth. Husbands will often say things like, “Yes, of course I’m sorry about having an affair. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. And how many times can a person apologize or say they’re sorry?” How many other ways are there to show your remorse? Am I going to say I’m sorry for the rest of my life because she gets old having to tell you over and over again when she no longer believes a word I say? anyway.”

Website design By BotEap.comObviously, the husband and wife have to meet somewhere in between for both people to feel that they are being heard. Sometimes the two people have been hovering over this issue for so long that it’s almost become off-limits because there’s so much anger and resentment surrounding it. However, sometimes you have to face it very directly for it to finally go away. Sometimes she will have to explain things directly to her husband to make sure she gets what he needs. Of course, this is not always easy. But at least you’re getting what you need to be able to move on. Short-term discomfort is much better than continuing to live this way.

Website design By BotEap.comMany wives who are still angry about the affair years later resent that there were no repercussions from the husband’s affair: I often hear wives say things like, “So basically you’re allowed to say you’re sorry you broke your wedding vows and I’m supposed to move on as if nothing happened. My choice is to get divorced (which I don’t want) or just pretending everything is fine when it’s not. She cheats on me and her life doesn’t really change. But now I have to live with this for a long time. How is this even remotely fair?” If I was the one having an affair, I definitely wouldn’t forgive myself, but when the tables are turned, I have to forgive him.”

Website design By BotEap.comBut if you were to ask the husband about this, he’d probably say something like, “She thinks I haven’t paid for what I’ve done, but trust me, I pay every day. I have to look her in the eye.” and I see disappointment and pain. That’s a life sentence. Every day, I can see how much I have disappointed and hurt her. Every day, I wake up knowing that she’s going to look at me with hate. And every day, I know there’s nothing I can do about it because I deserve it.”

Website design By BotEap.comThis is a difficult situation on many levels because the wife is absolutely justified in being angry. However, if these feelings continue for so long that no real healing can occur, both people will continue to pay dearly. At some point this needs to come to a resolution so both people don’t continue to experience pain with no real end in sight.

Website design By BotEap.comMany times, the wife feels that it is only fair that the husband pay for what he did. And, I can certainly see this side of the argument. But usually what the wife doesn’t see is that continuing to dwell on the negative in her also hurts her and prevents her from moving to a healthier place where she could finally be at peace.

Website design By BotEap.comSometimes when people are still angry about an affair, it’s because no positive change has been made: Many times when I ask wives in this situation how much or what kind of progress has been made, they tell me that nothing has really changed. It’s like they’re supposed to wake up one day and no longer be angry even though there have been no improvements or changes. This may be too much to ask and many wives consider this an impossible situation.

Website design By BotEap.comIt is often necessary to make husbands understand that if they can work with their wives to create a new and better marriage, then everyone will benefit from it. Yes, it’s going to take a lot of work. Yes, it will require both people to change the way they have been doing things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable at first. But usually, it’s the only way to ensure that both parties don’t continually look back or live with the pain of the past.

Website design By BotEap.comBecause honestly, the best way to let go of the pain and anger of an affair is to create a happy future where there’s really no need to look back. If both people can get to this place, the anger will usually start to subside naturally.